Is It Okay To "refuse" To Be A Pallbearer At A Funeral? - Page 3 Pallbearers Gone Wrong

April 10, 2020

Is it okay to

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OP please don't let anyone pressurise you. Only you know whether you are able to do this. Personally, I was a pallbearer at my dad's funeral and I found carrying his coffin into the church quite therapeutic, but we are all different. Nobody should try to make you feel bad if you choose not to be a pallbearer imo.
For most social situations I agree (including deaths of acquaintances) - but deaths of close people can stay with you in my experience - depending on how close they were (which is the important thing) - you don't even realise it until a few years down the line.
Beware of backing out of saying goodbye to someone you care about.

I don't think anyone has suggested not attending the funeral

Yeah we get that, is it really that much of an ordeal to spare a few moments to honour a relative ?
Sometimes we have to do stuff we don't want to do for the greater good.

What a silly thing to say I can only assume you have never suffered from any mental problems as you have no understanding at all.
Like others have said, everyones focus will NOT be on you. Heads will be bowed and peoples thoughts will be of their memories of your late Grandmother.
Its a job that nobody would really want to do but out of a sign of respect you should be a pallbearer. Nothing bad will happen. And to think of lying to worm your way out of it is really tasteless.

I haven't once said I would lie to avoid it.
If I get asked, I'm just going to politely turn it down and explain I would be far too nervous and anxious and I'd appreciate it if somebody else could take my place. i hope I'll manage to stick with my guns because I fear I may be pressured to change my mind and be told "oh well all the other guys don't want to do it either but of course they're going to honour your Gran".
Thanks everyone for the advice and encouragement.
I understand that its quite uncommon for family to be pallbearers these days. I was for my mum, along with my brother, step father and uncle but we had to request it, it wasn't a given.
if you don't want to do it, or decide at the last moment, the funeral director will step in I'm sure.
Like others have said, everyones focus will NOT be on you. Heads will be bowed and peoples thoughts will be of their memories of your late Grandmother.
Its a job that nobody would really want to do but out of a sign of respect you should be a pallbearer. Nothing bad will happen. And to think of lying to worm your way out of it is really tasteless.

Respect for whom Zenton - his Gran? I'm not sure how being a pallbearer is a sign of respect in itself. It's more of a desire to do one final thing for your loved one, and shoulder them on their final journey. I'd want to do it for my husband, if anything happened to him, even though I'm only very small and not very strong. It's not respect - it's just that I'd want to feel I was helping him and supporting him one last time,
It's not the only way to show respect or love for someone though. I'm sure the OP showed his respect and love for his Gran in other ways while she was alive.
Anyway, it's not a case of the OP simply not wanting to do it. The OP has a mental illness, which prevents him being able to do it. If it were a physical illness like a broken shoulder, would you be saying the same thing?
You need your mind and mental strength in order to be able to push through an illness and do things you don't feel able to do. You tell yourself to do it, and make yourself do it by positive thoughts and strenth of mind.
But.... when your mind is the very thing that's ill, and your mental state is impaired, do you see the problem?
It's like that "hole in my bucket" song, where it turns out they ultimately need a bucket in order to get the things they need to mend the bucket.....but there's a hole in the bucket.
Sorry I can't think of a better analogy, but there it is!
I don't think the OP should have to lie about bad shoulder/back etc. I think it's perfectly acceptable to say 'I really wouldn't be comfortable doing it - I'd be too nervous and i'd rather not'.
it's very wrong to feel pressurised or black mailed into doing it - I would have hoped the relatives might be more understanding.
I agree with those who have said you mustn't feel pressurised to do this if you don't want to. I used to be like you, getting myself into a state about things in advance. Now I find it quite easy to refuse to do something if I really don't want to, and the more pressurised I feel, the easier it gets to say no. The best way I find is to very firmly and politely, just say "Sorry, I'm afraid I won't be able to do such and such" and don't attempt to justify it, even if people ask why. Change the subject, or walk away if you are worried about their response. However, in my experience, the firmer you are, the less likely they are to ask the reason. I think a lot of your anxiety comes from explaining why you don't want to be a pall bearer and people's possible reactions. You really don't have to justify yourself, and personally I tend to respect people who don't, rather than feeling they owe other people an explanation. You'll also probably find you feel more confident about yourself if you go down this route.
Thanks again for the replies. I've suffered from social anxiety for years but really, I HAVE been getting better in all other aspects of my life (getting a job, starting college, socializing etc) but this has really made me afraid again like the old days. I've spent the last 3 nights reading forums and websites about pallbearers and I keep reading about how it's an honor and it makes me feel so worthless. God. I'm going to look and feel so stupid sitting there with my mother while all the other "proper" men are up there making everyone proud.
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Thanks again for the replies. I've suffered from social anxiety for years but really, I HAVE been getting better in all other aspects of my life (getting a job, starting college, socializing etc) but this has really made me afraid again like the old days. I've spent the last 3 nights reading forums and websites about pallbearers and I keep reading about how it's an honor and it makes me feel so worthless. God. I'm going to look and feel so stupid sitting there with my mother while all the other "proper" men are up there making everyone proud.

I think you're building this into a far bigger deal than it is. The focus isn't you, or what people are thinking of you or what they expect of you.... It'll be about your gran, everyone will be focussed on that, you don't want to do it, just don't.. it's your family, they above anyone should respect your choice and know you well enough to see you mean it...
Your focus should be on your grief, and helping your parents through the loss of a parent etc, not absorbed in a truly fleeting moment, priorities!
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Thanks again for the replies. I've suffered from social anxiety for years but really, I HAVE been getting better in all other aspects of my life (getting a job, starting college, socializing etc) but this has really made me afraid again like the old days. I've spent the last 3 nights reading forums and websites about pallbearers and I keep reading about how it's an honor and it makes me feel so worthless. God. I'm going to look and feel so stupid sitting there with my mother while all the other "proper" men are up there making everyone proud.

Then do it. Can you walk in a straight line whilst taking a massive interest in your shoe laces? That's pretty much all there is to it. All the way through this thread it's all been how you really don't want to do it, now suddenly we see that you do, but think it's beyond you.
The extreme most unlikely not-going-to-happen scenario is that you drop the coffin. If you do 5 others will probably catch it. Given that that just won't happen anyway, what have you got to lose? You either [in your own words] lose face in front of everyone by not doing it, or build it up into something that only you will be aware of. I said it in my only other post on this; deep breath, best foot forward, two minutes of people seeing an anonymous shoulder and it's all done to the metaphorical cheering of the crowd. Proud, or ashamed? It's up to you.
Thanks again for the replies. I've suffered from social anxiety for years but really, I HAVE been getting better in all other aspects of my life (getting a job, starting college, socializing etc) but this has really made me afraid again like the old days. I've spent the last 3 nights reading forums and websites about pallbearers and I keep reading about how it's an honor and it makes me feel so worthless. God. I'm going to look and feel so stupid sitting there with my mother while all the other "proper" men are up there making everyone proud.

I get anxiety too. At times it's been a major problem. I don't know whether you have it worse than I've had (at my worst) or whether we are comparable, but trust me, I'm not opining as someone with no experience.
One thing I know is that the anxiety that is worrying you right now, and the type of thing that would make me unable to sleep a wink on the night before something as simple as a doctor's appointment or would make me agoraphobic at times or made me not take up a place at this college or return a phone call to that person or made my legs feel like someone else's when I had to walk across a stage, is 100 times worse than the actual thing I would often worry about doing. In fact, afterwards I'd usually get a bit of a rush when it was over and wonder what I was worrying about in the first place. Pushing myself to do things that I didn't want to but knew I would have felt bad about avoiding was one way through. By slowly expanding what you are comfortable with then your problems reduce (a little). Any therapy must already be geared towards that, I'd have thought? There was many a thing I point blank refused to do too (and still do actually). At no point have I ever congratulated myself on avoiding situations afterwards. As I say, you know your mind and whether this applies or not. Sometimes you can push yourself through situations and sometimes it's beyond you.
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
It's obviously playing on your mind so I'd worry now about how you might feel afterwards if you were to do it versus how you might feel if you didn't. Measure that and do whatever you think will give you the best outcome. See how you feel on the day too. I'd often worry about things so much in advance that on the day I would do it easily because I'd simply worn out my worrying. I'd considered every catastrophe possible (and impossible) and had nothing left so it held no fears for me any more. It might work that way for you too on this occasion.
Honestly, I did the whole thing in a daze. I could not have been less present mentally on the day. If there was any way of failing then I would have found it.
Thanks again for the replies. I've suffered from social anxiety for years but really, I HAVE been getting better in all other aspects of my life (getting a job, starting college, socializing etc) but this has really made me afraid again like the old days. I've spent the last 3 nights reading forums and websites about pallbearers and I keep reading about how it's an honor and it makes me feel so worthless. God. I'm going to look and feel so stupid sitting there with my mother while all the other "proper" men are up there making everyone proud.

Not doing it won't make you not a proper man, my husband was persuaded to do it for his mum and regretted it to this day, All he seems to be able to remember of her is carrying her coffin, would have been better if he had said no and been able to remember happier times. I wouldn't like to think if he had said no anyone would have thought him not a proper man !
Like others have said, everyones focus will NOT be on you. Heads will be bowed and peoples thoughts will be of their memories of your late Grandmother.
Its a job that nobody would really want to do but out of a sign of respect you should be a pallbearer. Nothing bad will happen. And to think of lying to worm your way out of it is really tasteless.

Not at all. That's just insulting a different point of view. 'Really tasteless?' Over the top.
The 'truth' isn't always the best policy and the path of least resistance is sometimes the best one. Having to explain something like that or even just say 'I don't want to' on such a sensitive occasion risks making more out of it that there needs to be.
There will be other occasions to discuss the social anxiety issue, if necessary.
Not at all. That's just insulting a different point of view. 'Really tasteless?' Over the top.
The 'truth' isn't always the best policy and the path of least resistance is sometimes the best one. Having to explain something like that or even just say 'I don't want to' on such a sensitive occasion risks making more out of it that there needs to be.
There will be other occasions to discuss the social anxiety issue, if necessary.

I agree with this and I don't think it's helpful seeing this as somehow honouring anyone, if I were his Gran I would be very upset if I thought anyone was getting upset by this.
Then do it. Can you walk in a straight line whilst taking a massive interest in your shoe laces? That's pretty much all there is to it. All the way through this thread it's all been how you really don't want to do it, now suddenly we see that you do, but think it's beyond you.
The extreme most unlikely not-going-to-happen scenario is that you drop the coffin. If you do 5 others will probably catch it. Given that that just won't happen anyway, what have you got to lose? You either [in your own words] lose face in front of everyone by not doing it, or build it up into something that only you will be aware of. I said it in my only other post on this; deep breath, best foot forward, two minutes of people seeing an anonymous shoulder and it's all done to the metaphorical cheering of the crowd. Proud, or ashamed? It's up to you.

It's hard to explain. It's not about the actual process of carrying a coffin. It's the idea that people will be watching me and the thought of it makes me sick. It's the little things like sitting in the church and dreading/waiting for the pallbearers to act, the standing up and walking to the end of my row, walking to the coffin, standing there, lifting it and then walking past everyones faces. Right now it makes me want to throw up. If there were no crowd there, then I would probably have done it.
I'm seeing a family member tomorrow (a cousin) and hopefully will have a word about it.
(This is exactly my point, though, I know this isn't about me and nobody will give a shit about me but even with this knowledge I can't shake off the fears and nerves. I would literally spend the next days until the funeral - don't know when it is yet - dreading it, thinking about it, analysing it, working myself up into a state and then probably be a shaking, stuttering wreck on the morning of the funeral. I wouldn't be able to focus on the service or my family because I'd be so nervous and thinking about it. I want to be 100% fully mentally "there" for the funeral and focus on my Gran and be part of the background like everyone else, I don't want to spend the day of the funeral in a nervous state. I'm not selfish and think I'm more important than the funeral.)
Yeah we get that, is it really that much of an ordeal to spare a few moments to honour a relative ?
Sometimes we have to do stuff we don't want to do for the greater good.

What an ignorant post.
"is it really that much of an ordeal"? Considering the root of the problem is mental health, I'd say it is.
Anyone with even a tiny bit of knowledge about social anxiety would understand that the problem is far from the OP thinking all eyes will be on them, and those suggesting "get over yourself / just do it", would you apply those words to all things social anxiety related? I suspect so, otherwise your logic is a tad flawed.
It's a bit like telling a depressed person to snap out of it - you can't just switch it off whenever you feel like; it's not something people choose to feel.
Although, I personally wouldn't wrap myself up in a sling or start limping on my ankle to get out of it - you're setting yourself up for a fall by doing that. Far easier to tell the truth and just say "I don't want to". There's nothing wrong with not wanting to, so don't feel bad, OP.
I completely understand, I don't really have any advice but I just wanted you to know that this kind of thing is more common than you think.

Due to my social anxiety and panic attacks I've missed funerals over the years, and even my mums wedding.

I felt awful but more people will understand and "get it" than you think, even if your family are initially a bit "put out", if they try to make you feel guilty then they obviously don't understand mental health issues at all and its not worth trying to explain it when emotions over your grandmothers death are so heightend.

If they do they anything about respect then just remind them that you loved your grandmother and that you will be paying your respects at the funeral, you don't need to carry her coffin to " prove" that.
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Well so far I've told a family friend and another family member (from the other relative side of the family) about my fears of being a pallbearer and both told me that it would be what my Gran would want me to do and I should be proud and honoured. How can I honestly turn it down when they say that stuff to me?

Don't let them emotional blackmail you into it. Stop pussyfooting about and just tell the person who needs to know that you really don't want to do it and that's that.
Sorry for your loss.
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Not at all. That's just insulting a different point of view. 'Really tasteless?' Over the top.
The 'truth' isn't always the best policy and the path of least resistance is sometimes the best one. Having to explain something like that or even just say 'I don't want to' on such a sensitive occasion risks making more out of it that there needs to be.
There will be other occasions to discuss the social anxiety issue, if necessary.

So telling a lie to wriggle out of a family duty that the majority would accept with dignity and honour in respect to a dead relative isn't tasteless?! No believe me it is and you'd be the one that has to live with the lie. It certainly doesn't sit comfortably with me.
Far better to tell the truth than to lie and I'm sure many would agree with me and it's not insulting.
And as the OP has told the truth about his fears and he's been told it's still to be accepted, you'll either just have to do it or face the humiliation of losing face and being shunned by your family. If you can beat your illness to go to college and get a job a twenty minute task at a funeral is nothing compared to what you're already achieved.
I'm afraid I will be asked by my family to be one of the pallbearers at my grandmothers funeral and if I'm asked (extremely likely) then I really, really do not want to do it. I have horrible social anxiety which is even worse with family gatherings and the thought of having any sort of attention on me at the funeral and people looking at me or me having the potential to make a mistake or look awkward makes me feel sick. I feel if I had to refuse this invitation I would look really rude and selfish and "difficult" but I honest to God just can't do it. I'm terrified of being asked.
I just want to be in the background as much as possible but how on earth do I say this without sounding disrespectful?

Not being cheeky here i had to do this at a relatives funeral as someone with feelings

like yourself pulled out and didn't want to do it so dont worry there will be others

in your family who should be able to step in and take your place should the need arise
Also might be worth considering diazepam to help you get through it should you decide to be a Pall-Bearer

as a couple of those pills an hour beforehand would help calm you down and basically relieve your anxiety
Not being cheeky here i had to do this at a relatives funeral as someone with feelings

like yourself pulled out and didn't want to do it so dont worry there will be others

in your family who should be able to step in and take your place should the need arise
Also might be worth considering diazepam to help you get through it should you decide to be a Pall-Bearer

as a couple of those pills an hour beforehand would help calm you down and basically relieve your anxiety

Did the person let everyone know in advance or did they pull out last minute? Was anyone mad at all at them for pulling out?
Thanks for the advice.
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I do despair at some of the answers on here which shows that we have a long way to go in this country/society before people actually understand psychological issues like anxiety disorders, let alone depression and other emotional/mental conditions.
I know. There's so much ignorance, it's quite sad.
So telling a lie to wriggle out of a family duty that the majority would accept with dignity and honour in respect to a dead relative isn't tasteless?! No believe me it is and you'd be the one that has to live with the lie. It certainly doesn't sit comfortably with me.
Far better to tell the truth than to lie and I'm sure many would agree with me and it's not insulting.
And as the OP has told the truth about his fears and he's been told it's still to be accepted, you'll either just have to do it or face the humiliation of losing face and being shunned by your family. If you can beat your illness to go to college and get a job a twenty minute task at a funeral is nothing compared to what you're already achieved.

The truth would have been fine if the family understood and accepted the situation. Having to explain and defend your anxieties just compounds it all. I would have told a small white lie and lived with it.
The bit (above) about being able to get a job so this twenty minute task is nothing - it doesn't necessarily work like that. I go to work every day and deal with most aspects of it just fine. But I couldn't, for example, go to a party where I didn't know many people. Also, I managed to stand up in front of everyone and do a reading at my brother's funeral but couldn't speak up at all when I forced myself to attend a school PTA meeting. I can't speak for the OP, but my anxieties manifest themselves in different ways.
The truth would have been fine if the family understood and accepted the situation. Having to explain and defend your anxieties just compounds it all. I would have told a small white lie and lived with it.
The bit (above) about being able to get a job so this twenty minute task is nothing - it doesn't necessarily work like that. I go to work every day and deal with most aspects of it just fine. But I couldn't, for example, go to a party where I didn't know many people. Also, I managed to stand up in front of everyone and do a reading at my brother's funeral but couldn't speak up at all when I forced myself to attend a school PTA meeting. I can't speak for the OP, but my anxieties manifest themselves in different ways.

Thank you for defending me.
I've had anxiety for years. Sometimes it's been crippling (family related events, public speaking) and sometimes it's oddly been pretty fine (job interviews, starting college). Even though I'm at college I haven't made any friends and barely speak to the people in my classes, and while I've had jobs I also spent weeks "analyzing" and preparing myself to work a cash register, which thankfully I didn't have to do. I have anxiety with phonecalls and refuse to answer my phone unless there's nobody around me, I panic when I have to make a call to an authority figure (dentist, hospital, Jobcentre, college, work, anything) and avoid parties and clubs due to my anxiety.
Funerals have always been my #1 fear. In fact, I made a thread here in 2009 asking for advice on how to lower a coffin, that's how scared I am of funerals. That was almost six years ago and the feelings are still the same. If it was something I could just "get over" I would certainly be doing it to save myself the embarrassment and shame of declining.

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Friday, April 10, 2020

Is It Okay To "refuse" To Be A Pallbearer At A Funeral? - Page 3 Pallbearers Gone Wrong

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